When You Know Better

Fecundity (painting) and Bloom (poem)


Last week I wrote a post and promised the next part of it the next day. Good intentions – but no follow-through. So here I am, at the start of another week, keeping my promise, albeit belatedly.

I would like to clarify that the post was not about gadgets or people having a different value system, but rather about my own problem of not knowing it’s time to let a relationship go.  That’s something I’ve struggled with for a while. I over invest in some people who don’t deserve my time or patience and then end up feeling foolish when they discard me.  The time to let go is when they first show me who they are.  If I continue to invest in them, that’s not their problem, is it?

I got a good taste of this recently from someone who turned out to be absolutely nasty. She had showed me her true colors and her ungrateful streak quite a while back. The ingratitude was not directed towards me at the time, but towards a significant person in her life. That was the time to drop her.  I didn’t.

But what I’ve learned from this experience is what counts. I’ve learned that I must first focus on myself and my own needs and passions and not waste time on people who have neither gratitude nor respect. There’s no point beating ourselves up about what happened in the past. And please, never allow that person to play the victim role as people of this kind are prone to do. Cut your losses and move on.  There are plenty of people out there who appreciate you for who you are. Most importantly, we must learn to appreciate ourselves for who we are and not spend time on energy sappers of this kind.

I used a quote from Maya Angelou for my previous post. It seems fitting to use one for this post too:

When you know better, you do better.

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40 Replies to “When You Know Better”

  1. Well said. Actually, we do know it better but we keep on delaying the letting go process, thinking that our action might hurt the other person and how would we be living with that!! But as you rightly said, we need to focus on self, first!

  2. Every once in a while we come around people who are like this. The important thing is that you can identify who they are and move on. Great post, thanks for sharing.

  3. One reason why I have less friends is because I am extremely selective in choosing them and don’t have any qualms about letting them go if I feel uncomfortable. Same thing happened to me Corinne – The behavior of a friend towards someone else was really nasty and shocking- Ang without a second thought I just let the friendship go !

  4. Hmm true that! If they can give off hand treatment to a third party – there’s nothing to stop them meting out the same treatment to everybody else!

    N ho BTW we indeed truly respect you 🙂

  5. When a person is hurt and tries to clarifies , the matter turns ugly. Even if the person who has hurt , tries to apologize or apologizes , the apology does not sound sincere enough, the hurt mind refuses to accept it , but life has to go on. At times I feel, its the circumstances that are bad or unfavaourable. Maybe I wrong, maybe right.

  6. We all have made this mistake at some point in our life. I spent a good 5 years under this illusion of friendship. It’s really difficult to be cautious about such things, friendship and love. I guess it all happens for a reason though 🙂

    Akhil Kalsh. http://1hw.in

  7. This happens to every one at some point or the other !
    Better to let go but holding hurt in heart hurts the person who holds it more than the person at whom its directed – some where I read this. Dont remember
    anyway TC !

  8. Been there, burnt my fingers. But I never learn. Never. It doesn’t come easy to me to let go. I tend to trust people easily, start expecting from them and then end up hurting myself. All this while, never once realising they are so wrong for my own ecosystem. 🙁

    1. I’m thinking it all stems from a low self-concept to begin with, Naina – and then we fall into patterns of being the ‘giver’ in relationships. That’s what my deal is most of the time.

  9. And what a great learning you impart with this!

    I found it extremely difficult to let go of but once i do, i do it for forever and i hardly in fact never look back. but to pass though the stages of let go is extremely difficult and painful.

    “I got a good taste of this recently from someone who turned out to be absolutely nasty. She had showed me her true colors and her ungrateful streak quite a while back. The ingratitude was not directed towards me at the time, but towards a significant person in her life. That was the time to drop her. I didn’t.” ——————— This really speaks volume.

    Discarding these people as soon as we identify and having the courage to stand up for our own good and to move on… is the utmost important thing.

  10. this honestly is more of a situation for us each day. We all have such experiences and as you rightfully mentioned the key is to not highlight them as victims. I always say this, “if you find someone being bad to another person don’t thank stars they are good to you at least. Remember next time that other person could be you”

    Thanks Corinne for always pointing out the simplest of things to us, we all often forget in life 🙂

  11. I know what you mean.. I have a hard time letting go too.. I still need to learn my lesson!!
    I’m going to bookmark this post and keep coming back to it!

    Thank you for this post.

  12. I know what you’re talking about Corinne. But I’m still to learn and walk the distance between knowing when to let go and actually letting someone go. Hopefully, one of these days, I will. 🙂

  13. Easier said than done corinne ! rightly put, need to focus on self, and move on. Need to be more aware of myself, and my own needs to keep moving on… thanks for sharing !

  14. So true Corinne. Been there myself. Unfortunately we do invest time in them because our inherent good nature urges us to give them another chance and another and another. 3 strikes your out is now my policy. Good post.

  15. Just like charity begins at home, love begins at home. I remember thinking, long ago, that we think twice about spending on a certain thing for ourselves, but when it comes to gifting, we don’t. We, as much as anyone else, deserve our own love (yeah, that’s how the quote goes, I think).

    Great advice. Slightly challenging to follow. But the Maya Angelou quote is good motivation.

    It is necessary to let go, simply because it gets too heavy. No one needs that kind of luggage.

    Hugs! Great post.

  16. There is a great management tip about choosing employees which is that if you want to know the true nature of someone, don’t look at how they act in front of their superiors; see how they treat their colleagues and subordinates. I guess a similar theme applies here!
    Sorry you got burned, Corinne!
    I too love the painting! Fecundity is a great title for it!

  17. ‘Energy sappers’ ~ I remember what you wrote about issuing the pink slip BS and for a while I did issue many of them. But after some time, I also saw the change ‘within’ ~ children could be ‘energy suckers’ too and an adult child is also but I couldn’t issue ‘pink slips’ on all of them…Perhaps, ‘redirect’ their energies to something useful, yes.

    I remember talking about this too with my sister… and sometimes, we ‘let go’ of people because we’re heading to a ‘new’ direction ~ it doesn’t necessarily mean we hate them or don’t like them.

    I couldn’t post this in part 1, here’s my comment:
    Could this be ‘black’ and ‘white’? or judging people outright? There are hints of truth to it but where is the element of surprise ~ and the ability to be transformed and changed?

    1. Both your comments went into spam, Melissa – I’ve posted them and answered the first one on the post it was meant for.
      I refuse to equate children with adults. You seem to suggest that we should wait around while people change – allowing ourselves to be abused in the process. What about our duty to ourselves? Did I use the word ‘hate’ in my post? We don’t like a lot of people – some members of our family included – but we don’t hate them, do we? How did you decide that when I said letting go, it meant ‘hate’, my dear?

  18. We watch and observe. We hope something would change. Maybe the bonds were deep and prevented us from letting go. But sometimes cancerous relationships pull us down and give us so much sorrow. Now, unless it is a really close person, I don’t give a damn.

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